our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
