bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
