you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
