You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
