I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
