I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Randomize
