The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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