he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
