dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
