He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
