when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Success! We fucked roommates!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
