How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
