Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
