yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
