My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I still have a little drunk in my system
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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