He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
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He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
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Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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