you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
