I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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