dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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