You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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