My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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