I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
