Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
