he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
