I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
