Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
