i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
