So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
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