how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
