My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
