I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
