I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
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my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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