I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
