I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Randomize
