all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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