I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
