I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
