my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
