Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
