Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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