Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
