How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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