Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
