two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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