dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
