my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
