I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
