there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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