I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
