What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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