The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
