If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
