This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
