i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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