So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
